I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
