have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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