Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
