This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Sober January is a disaster.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
