i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
