Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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