Please, let me fuck your mom
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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