My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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