So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I stole a fireplace last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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