Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
