we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
