You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
