New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
