every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
