It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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