I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
