You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
