guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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