he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
