I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
