today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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