Who wears a wallet chain?!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
