I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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