A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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