my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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