just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
