Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
im six kinds of drunk right now
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
