Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
