My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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