Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
