My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
