dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
