If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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