I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
