I wannas sexs uuuuu
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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