Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
