I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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