Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
