life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
