This is not my ceiling
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
