based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
