my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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