Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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