just come out here and I will go home with you...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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