I wish I could teleport
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
