i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
