Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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