The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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