woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
