Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize