i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
