Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize