Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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