he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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