I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
