I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
